You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
