My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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