we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize