on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
