my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
His nipple licking is glorious
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