Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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