I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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