When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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