seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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