I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
