I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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