hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
