hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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