if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
