my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize