So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
