I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
