Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
