fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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