I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
