You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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