I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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