My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
