I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
