its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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