Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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