I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
