So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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