You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
