Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
