Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
