MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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