the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I intend to get homeless drunk
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize