need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
