the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
