he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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