Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
