Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
