god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
