I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
