I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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