the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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