my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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