I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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