When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just pee around me
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
