My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
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My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
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Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex