Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
