She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
