your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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