so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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