I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
this boner is exhausting
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
