he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
