I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
