I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
