True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
