I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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