i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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