so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ketchup is God's man juice
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
