We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
