apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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