he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
