FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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